summer... the living was easy...

back to the fray...

but first a glimpse back at the summer of love...

Dumbledore

Harry and Dumbledore: Ethical Statement

sometimes i ponder...

the living cannot intrude on the dead.

the dead do not fear death. the dead do not regret the manner of their passing. the dead are not haunted.

traveling to unknown destinations...

Katherine and her father, on our journey...

sitting...

red hot chili peppers is in the background. the conversation is as always intellectual intrigue and then... i love that phrase "and then..." certain phrases are pregnant with tomorrow. did you know there's someone who reads my blog who won't read this post most likely because it doesn't have the right title or search words. no search words! search me. (ok i'm smiling now).

so sitting at a table with conversation and always imagining the future and remember the past but beer at least erases some of that.

i am filled with love, beer and happiness and music right now, right now.

banff, midway...

Castle Mountain, Rockbound Lake Hike with Susan Bowman, Scott Dorman, Charles Tucker (and me); Chuck Listening to Jazz; Columbia Ice Fields Visitor Center; Chuck and Lane on the road to Columbia Ice Fields.

We went hiking yesterday with Scott and Susan. We've been going to Jazz and making work. Here are just a few pictures from our adventures. I have a million more... sigh.

Charles Tucker, Lane Cooper and Scott Dorman in Banff

Wow... what a week at Banff! I've finished seven small paintings... I'm looking for the truth in painting, ala Derrida. Also looking for a subject for paint... I think the truth, the subject might be paint.

I'm shooting lots of raw footage for my videos. I've got to work out the sound design... but hey it'll come together. Yesterday I cast my finger and tomorrow I'm doing a papermaking workshop.

Our friend Scott got here on Sunday. It's so good to see him. He grew up with Chuck while I've only known him for nine years. He is such a sweetheart. This Saturday, we're all going on a hike and a picnic. In the meantime we're cranking the work. Scott is a chemist and he's working with Chuck on a project. It's so great to see people from back home.

Tonight we went to hear Jazz. The groups were amazing, especially the last one. These two sax players were incredible.

I'll blog some more tomorrow maybe. There's so much going on.

charles tucker, amanda almon and lane cooper -- that's right we're all here

Well I made it to Banff. I've actually started a whole other blog to chronicle my travels so I won't discuss the details of that here.

We've settled in and today the weather is beautiful. The week's been very hectic but we've met some great people and I've started to get some work done. I actually finished a video short last night but it's done using old footage. I've started shooting today on our hike up Tunnel Mountain... beautiful, beautiful, wish you were here kind of thing. Saul and Chuck have been squirreled away working on their research although we all take time out to hit the pub. Chuck, Amanda and I went to a puppet show today as well. It's not what it sounds.

I'll try to post about the folks I'm meeting here. They're very kind and interesting people. The land is amazing. I've never been anywhere like here although I have that strange feeling I've seen it before. So many pictures... you walk outside though and wham the scale is overwhelming.

Now I have a remaining five weeks to make work. It seems both long and short. It makes me though want to go on other residencies.

i am i am

i will be away for a while. maybe i'll blog on the way to banff. maybe not.

Chuck and I have been together for over ten years and ten years is a long time to be with someone. It is the nature of commitment - through good times and bad. I hope I make some good work while we're at Banff. I hope the people are kind there, respectful. I'm a bit nervous but I'm sure it will go well. Chuck is nervous too. We will face it together though and I think it will be fun after all. Overall we are looking forward to this time to do work and on the other side we should have a collection of things to show and the drive back with Katherine will be an adventure.

peace be with you.

to honor... that which is important...

Here I confide to you the deepest part of me. The driving reason for all my doing... It is the knowledge which underlies every choice. Do not imagine that I'm sad. This is just the compass of my heart.

Life seems to be about balance. Not too much of this or too much of that. Living well; to honor those things that are truly important; that is the only goal. How to parse it out and fill up the mind with those subjects which occupy and which allow for some sort of productivity? It is balance isn’t it?

What makes the urgency of this goal setting clear? What brings me to it? What are the engines, the causes, and the reasons of my work? What is it that I remember - those things which are seared into my mind … those moments that are unassailable, un-remittable, indelible. (C’est moi ma mere, c’est moi. Ecoute’ a moi si vous plait pour seul une moment.)

When I waiver, when I get lost, I remember watching you die mother and my own impotence, crying to a god I don’t believe in. I remember the cruelty of that god in forsaking you and I promise I will ask what you were afraid to ask. I will live. There was that stillness of that moment when your fragility was over come and there was no more hope for your betterment and I became cut loose, adrift. Your beauty, your worlds, your hope were washed away. There are times when this is all I can see and I rage at a world that does not mourn your loss as I do.

I remember that once in the world there was a person who wanted, as I want now. I remember that once there was in the world someone who loved me and wanted for me all the dreams she had.

Mother what can I do for you now but live the best I can?

(Picture: Charles Tucker and me from April 17, 2009)

purpose...

The purpose of this blog has shifted over time. Originally it was meant as a communiqué to my friends and family in southern locales. Initially it contained random bits of information from my day to day life and narratives of events I thought they would find of special interest – events like heavy snow (which still fascinates me anyway).

Gradually it has moved into the realm of the open epistle or personal essay. It is a place where I “confide” the interior self to a public realm. Since it makes no demands, the blog, it sits and waits for an audience, I feel ok with this. I feel no more vanity in putting myself here than I would speaking with a close friend. It provides me an unburdened witness. -- The interested will read and those that are not will pass on by. It generates within me the same feeling of joy that an empty canvas can sometimes elicit. It is pregnant with possibility and I alone censor its content. I am at liberty here.

I am grateful to the ether and its indulgence. I am grateful to an empty space waiting to be filled. It is nice to imagine kind hearts finding empathy with my words.

So in short – thank you.

small joys ... charles tucker, carey tucker and lane cooper (me)

lane cooper, banff and charles tucker...

Just so you know I will be at the Banff Centre for May 11 to June 19 or so. Chuck and Saul are going for their Thematic Residency "Analogous Fields" and I'm going for a self-directed experience. I will be working on video and writing. Frankly I'm really looking forward to it. I was thrilled when Chuck suggested I apply. I think it will be a good time. His daughter Katherine is going to come spend some days with us while we're there as well. Back at the homestead, Carey and Chris will be holding down the fort and feeding the kitties.


Leave comments if you like.

a razor's edge

I identify with Larry in Somerset Maugham’s “The Razor’s Edge.” It is an elegant, and rather romantic presentation of a philosophical worldview – It is a discussion and a contrasting of ethics.

I have been thinking a lot about ethic as motive; the internal compass that drives decision-making. It seems, or I tend to imagine rather, that most do not consciously consider the ethic which drives. “What will it be?” “What are the limits I will set?”

The culture has slid so far from judgment that my perception is that the critical eye, the witness, has been largely shut off. The cultural position appears to be that it is ridiculous, antithetical, an exercise in futility to consider the larger significance of decision-making, better to respond, to react. It is more honest, more authentic to go with gut feeling.

I find that talking to myself will tell me, often, the truth of things, if only I will listen. To describe a thing to myself, if I hear those words then I may find the ethic which drives me. What do you want? To say “plenty of money” – first – then it is most likely this that directs my choices.

What do I want? Or rather what do I value?

To think, to talk, to taste good food, to know those who think and talk.
A glass of wine, a good book, a warm place.
To care and be cared for.
To do work and be satisfied with that work.
To breathe, to taste, to think, to have intercourse of all passionate sorts –
To live.

& then there are birthdays... lane cooper, charles tucker and beloveds...

I had a dream the other night. Sometimes I hear things in my dreams. "Well at least if they want a piece of you, then they want some of you." I took it to mean that there are some of us who want to be consumed just so we can feel wanted. Me... I don't think so any more. Let me eat cake.

Pictured: Anna Cottos, Carey Tucker, Marc Tomko, Charles Tucker, Saul Ostrow, residue of an evening, a sign for peace