Sunday, May 03, 2009

to honor... that which is important...


Here I confide to you the deepest part of me. The driving reason for all my doing... It is the knowledge which underlies every choice. Do not imagine that I'm sad. This is just the compass of my heart.

Life seems to be about balance. Not too much of this or too much of that. Living well; to honor those things that are truly important; that is the only goal. How to parse it out and fill up the mind with those subjects which occupy and which allow for some sort of productivity? It is balance isn’t it?

What makes the urgency of this goal setting clear? What brings me to it? What are the engines, the causes, and the reasons of my work? What is it that I remember - those things which are seared into my mind … those moments that are unassailable, un-remittable, indelible. (C’est moi ma mere, c’est moi. Ecoute’ a moi si vous plait pour seul une moment.)

When I waiver, when I get lost, I remember watching you die mother and my own impotence, crying to a god I don’t believe in. I remember the cruelty of that god in forsaking you and I promise I will ask what you were afraid to ask. I will live. There was that stillness of that moment when your fragility was over come and there was no more hope for your betterment and I became cut loose, adrift. Your beauty, your worlds, your hope were washed away. There are times when this is all I can see and I rage at a world that does not mourn your loss as I do.

I remember that once in the world there was a person who wanted, as I want now. I remember that once there was in the world someone who loved me and wanted for me all the dreams she had.

Mother what can I do for you now but live the best I can?

(Picture: Charles Tucker and me from April 17, 2009)

No comments: