Resolution: Frustration, Anger, and Being here now

These past few weeks have been super hectic.

Obligations both real and imagined have made it difficult to settle down and accomplish anything that feels worthwhile.


There are openings and talks and events that, as an artist, I feel obligated to attend.


Why do I feel obligated?

1. Because I want to show support – and I really do want to show support. There are people I like and I want them to know that I like and respect them – that I value what they do –
The problem, there are too many such events to realistically get to. I have to pick and choose and then I feel guilty because I let some people down.

2. Professional – teaching related –
Here too a lot of it is about caring. No I don’t want to sit tending to something that is eating up my life, but if nobody does it, it doesn’t get done and it needs to be done. This is a perennial problem in academia at all levels. I care, I value these things, how do I balance giving, the sacrifice, of my own time and resources with doing for myself? How do I deal with the guilt of sometimes choosing me over someone else?

3. Professional – studio related –
A large part of being an artist is “networking” and “advocating” for one's work. That means going to things, meeting people, making sure people know you make work and what that work looks like, being willing to talk about it. It’s exhausting. I don’t come to this naturally. It means going to the openings, inviting people into my studio, it means showing up. I'm terrible at small talk. I'm terrible at knowing what to say.

All of these things take time and they can interfere with the other stuff that’s important, things like being in the studio; exercising; writing, cooking; cleaning; watching a movie; spending time with family, with friends; – yes, again, being in the studio. All of this is the “flexible” part of my life that gets pushed back. I end up hating myself because I can’t do it all – feeling guilty for my failures. Why didn’t I do it all?

I get angry. I start to hate the world for taking away so much from me.

And then – It’s time to have a talk with myself –

I am making these choices. It is ME, no one else. NO ONE IS DOING THIS TO ME and if they are, I can walk away.

I MADE the choice when I chose this life.
I MAKE the choice when I privilege one thing over the other. I need to be honest with myself about the value of the things I choose. I need to remind myself to weigh things on their real value – a year from now – will this still be important? 10, 20 years, at the end of my life, is this what is important?

In the meantime – why get angry? I’ve already chosen these things. At the very least – let go and appreciate the value of the things I have chosen – instead of resenting them – and I do actually love seeing the art, hearing the words, seeing the people (but maybe not talking to them LOL) - I am lucky, so so very lucky. I got to choose and I got to choose a life filled with art and creative people and cats and books and a funky old house - I WAS ABLE TO CHOOSE THIS. I had the privilege of choosing this.

BE HERE NOW. Be in this moment and see what it has to offer. Be patient. If I made the wrong choice in the short term, let it go – appreciate the moment and make different choices the next time.

Remember -
BE HERE IN THIS MOMENT.

Happy New Year

being here now

Revelations

On loss and other real things

I have been thinking … maybe way too much … these past months. The summer especially has been a time of contemplation. I have had a need to come to terms, to find a way of thinking about “things” that is tolerable.

over beer with a friend…

We all die. To everyone there comes a death. For those who love the dying that death is never fair or good enough or kind enough … It is always cruelty that our world should be diminished and that the ones we love eclipsed. The death of the loved is always a portent of our own end.

To each of us comes a death and never can that death satisfy.

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All is metaphysics … while all may be knowable, there is never knowing enough to hold it all. The mind is at once infinite and finite … its capacities endless yet never all encompassing so that no matter how much is known there is ever the unknown but not the unknowable.

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There is the “stuff” of being. It is being and it is thought. Thought is pattern and organization it is inherent to a being which arranges and rearranges, endlessly playing out every possible configuration, every possible reality. To ask if there is intelligence in this design is a misconception, intelligence is the substance of being.


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There is no time.

We can only know now because we are in this configuration and it is necessarily this configuration that we know. We can only know the now we are in.

If one could travel back in time, time would either collapse, all nows becoming now, or multiple nows co-existing, segregated from one another. If I go back in time and change my own past then I become two … twins out of joint … One of me with my “original” history and one of me with my “altered” history and those two can never be rejoined. Once a thing has happened it can never unhappen and that is to say it has always been.

This is the nature of infinity … all possible moments beyond our ability to hold them all exist. It is only our knowing of now that creates time.